dreaming of you

found this

2004-11-18T00:45:07Z

my new username is welcom_2mylife.

"Welcome To My Life"

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

caitlyn_leanne @ 2004-11-17T15:57:00

2004-11-17T22:14:20Z

I know what Im about to say is really GAY but I need to say it. I MISS MR. KNIGHT!! I need him more than ever right now. Everything is too easy in band. When it was last year mr.knight would challenge me to new things. But mr dixon won't!! Its so dumb. He's the worst band teacher ever. He makes me feel ashamed to be in that band. It sucks. No one trys. They just think oh well this is my last year anyways so why try? It makes me so mad!! ~ I miss you guys because you hang out with people I don't know. And you never feel like including me on the stuff you guys do. That's why I don't hang out as much with you guys as I used to because you all kind of left me. maybe im just not like you. Guess that's what i get for being me. I feel kind of stupid alot and that i don't belong here. It hurts. and you I hate when you ignore me. I think im scitzophrenic (how ever you spell it). I feel like a tomotoe in a bowl full of oranges lol. I feel like screaming at you but i know it will make it worse. -you know what. im sick of this im about to ditch this journal and start a whole new one cause these entries are getting out of hand. I'll tell you later what my new journal name is.Hey guys please help me think of a new name. if you want to

caitlyn_leanne @ 2004-11-15T15:32:00

2004-11-15T21:46:28Z

You know...it feels like there's nowhere to go to just be yourself. I wish there was. Today has been pretty good. Got all A's go me..wo0o wo0o. I miss hangin out with you Heather and Erika. We never talk that much anymore. Just know I love you guys. In 4th the class had fun making fun of Christina and calling her a blonde for her slowness. lol it was great. Went shoppin on Friday got some new abercrombie shirts. OH yeah! And guess what!! I finally got converses!! yes! Happy Happy Joy Joy. I feel like going somewhere with my friends right now. Im bored. Someone save me.lol. To GOD-is it bad to want more than what I have? Should I be more catious of what I ask from you? You give me so much more than I truley need and I love that so much. But Im not the one who needs it am i? The starving children need you GOD. I know your helping them. I know you are. But before you grant me one more"wish", feed a child. Please. Amen.

welcome to my life

2004-11-11T23:48:19Z

right now i wish i was as small as this writing. my life is nothing whatesoever as what i want it to be. everything is totally screwed up. no one can say anthing about this. because you don't know how I feel. don't comment on this. SIMPLE PLAN-welcome to my life. my new favorite song.

caitlyn_leanne @ 2004-11-10T18:19:00

2004-11-11T00:27:41Z

My sista FAILED her permit test!! HAH HAH!! IT was sooooo halarious. She came out with this mad look on her face then the lady put a huge red stamp on her paper that says failed. i was laughing soo hard. Found out something sad today but it might not be true. Julia it doesn't matter how you dress I will always be your friend. Even though we might not hang out with all the same people it's ok. Uhh..you might tell me to dress all "punk" or whatever but that's not really me. As long as you act the same I will always love you. Can't wait to go shoppin.~I have a stupid history project that i really don't wanna do. Boring and hard. not really i just don't want to do it. lol. My mommy won't buy me the cd i have been asking for for forever!! I need it. lol. well.got nothin much to say but mr.dixon better get his head out of his but before i punch him in the face!! bye bye!

hmm

2004-11-09T00:52:22Z

lots-a-things goin through my head. sista's bday is tomorrow. she MIGHT get her permit lol. im afraid. if she gets her permit she's driving our whole family out to dinner. of coarse her friends will be meeting us there if we survive the ride. uh...right now im wrapping her presents. ive alwaysed enjoyed giving presents. its fun to see their reaction towards it. mr. dixion just figured out midstate is commin up fast. idiot. 'i wonder about you'

you don't know

2004-11-02T00:29:45Z

you don't know how much you mean to me. you don't know how much i care. as long as im here it seems you're happy. you make me smile, laugh, and forget about my "other life"'. when you're around you you make me feel like im actually somebody. if only you knew i felt this way about you. i hope you feel the same. i really do. because right now all I think about is you. im sure you don't know who you are. person i am writing about. but i do. you can see the real me and i can see the real you. you are someone who helps me shine through, the blanket she put over me and i let sit there for thirteen years. you are slipping away, person that made my dreams come true. please come back. i need to be rescued. the blanket that you had risen is falling once more. if i don't meet you soon it will all come back. all the pain and living ina shawdow. unliked. unheard of.

caitlyn_leanne @ 2004-10-31T08:19:00

2004-10-31T14:29:09Z

Friday-awesome. we wore our halloween outfits and got awesomwe comments on them. caroline road home with me. she sprained her ankle. went to chs thing. that was cool. i wish more people would stick with band. there's only gonna be a few freshman in band next year. oh well. saw the grudge. well half of it I shut my eyes on ALL the scary parts. sarah, caroline, michele baily and jamie were there too. awesome. Got home around midnight.
Saturday-went to carolines house. watched legally blonde two. it was gay. went shopping got some new pants at AE. awesome. came home around 5:30. dropped christ and ryan off at bobby's. went to walmart.
Sunday-today!! HALLOWEEN! got up. did hair. now im goin to wally world to buy finishing touches on my halloween costume. and beg mom to let me buy simple plan cd! oh yeah. can't wait till 4:00 my friends are commin over to trick or treat with me. Yes im going. can't wait either.
PS.!!! I saw two guys dressed up as cheerleaders yesterday in walmart! It twas funny cause these other guys started whisteling and sayin SEXY!! HOT STUFF!! OH YEAH! it was so funny. close to getting my new trombone!! Yay! I have a feeling im not gonna make midstate this year.

~~~it's 3:00!! Only 1 more hour to wait!!~~~

this is stuck in my head...

Somebody told me that you had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that I had in febuary of last year it's not confidential...

lol i don't know the rest

caitlyn_leanne @ 2004-10-24T11:00:00

2004-10-24T16:03:49Z

Im on a diet with Heather and Julia. Gotta get converses. We're gonna make halloween shirts to wear on Friday! yay! I have the cutest comstume for halloween! Can't wait to wear it. Hey...I just thought of something. Who goes trick or treating still?

ps it's probablly only the 8th graders lol oh well. just post a comment if you do go.

Running away from me.

2004-10-24T15:59:21Z

Hve you ever felt left behind. Like all your friends have gone ahead of you? Do you feel like your running in slow motion in the dark? Have you ever wanted to do something but you were afraid they might say POSER!!? But really all your doing is being yourself. have you ever felt left out? like your life is crap and it's running away from you yourself? I need to pray. Things are going down the drain. Running away from me.

caitlyn_leanne @ 2004-10-24T10:49:00

2004-10-24T15:55:01Z

I thought I had you figured out. I thought I had the real you in my heart. But ever scince she told me what your like I don't know about you nemore. You say they call you a slut. I couldn't believe it. But now I think maybe it might be true. Maybe you were lying. But im not sure i didn't think you would lie to one of your "best friends" but maybe we aren't "best friends" you say you miss me and that we're growing apart. But maybe it's you that's running away from me. The girl I once knew is gone. She wouldn't lie about something like this that's why im confused. I don't know who to believe. You? or her?

In God's way.

2004-10-18T22:39:31Z

There's this girl at my school, her name is Jessica. I don't know her REALLY well. But I know her well enough to know that she is a really nice person. Well there's these people at school who talk about her (not naming any names) and it really bugs me. I have no clue why they talk about her. She seems so nice. And well today I felt too sick of it to listen to them. So I got up from the lunch table and sat away from them at the other end with the people who don't talk about her. Well later Jessica came over and thanked me for leaving them and it made me feel like a really good friend. Im glad I can make the right choices. I have God, my family, and my friends to thank for that. I couldn't do it without them. Im so lucky to be who I am and know whats right. It's because I believe in God and doing what's right. And It's because I have the coolest mom who raised me a child is supposed to be raised. And It's because I have the coolest friends who don't like to talk about people behind their backs and friends who will always be on your side and stand up for you and others who are being put down. So here's my thaNKs to you God. and you mom. and to my friends.

from the girl who tries to understand life through God's eyes

Diet you fatty!

2004-10-14T23:39:36Z

Today was pretty ok. Especially band. Mr. Dixon let us practice in one of the little closet things in the hallway to mrs. cow room. It was awesome. It was me ben amy caroloine and miller. Fun fun! The best in the class. I cant believe mr. dixon though! He's lettin all the 7th graders play in the eight grade concerts and go to the hs with us when we go there! Argh! We're gonna sound worse than we already do and we sound bad enough. And our musics way too easy. Oh and caroline made Ben's mouth bleed today. Hah hah. Funny story. Tomorrow im goin to carolines house. Im gonna look stupid tomorrow morning bringing in my raquet, tennis balls, and my stuff to spend the night. Oh well who cares what people think of me. I only care what I think of myself. Thanks to my friends Erika and Weeyum. lol! Well I gotta go get packed and dread that I have to get a cavity filled tomorrow at 8:00 in the morning!! Stupid candy! It rots my teeth and makes me fat better go on a diet. lol. byeeeeeee!

P.S.-if you want leave how much you weigh as comments so I can see if im average. Don't have to leave your name either.

...shadow

2004-10-13T23:42:25Z

Trying to be "popular" trying to be "perfect" what is that? really? Whyt can't I just try to be myselfLately it seems all i've been thinking about is what people are thinking of me. For instance~ i hear myself rhinking everyday "you can't wear that to school!" "people will laugh". even though I know they wouldn't. And I keep calling my self ugly. So what if im not pretty. It's not my fault. I feel like im turning into my sister. I don't want that. I know how ashlee simpson feels. Im living in the shadow of someone I really don't want to be. I find me asking myself who am I anyway?

caitlyn_leanne @ 2004-10-04T16:51:00

2004-10-04T21:56:11Z

Caitlyn feels stupid. I forgot all about auditioning for mid-state. I have no clue when it is I don't have the music I haven't paid fees. Nothing. Im asking Mr. Dixon about it tomorrow but my guess is that it's too late.Arghh. You don't know how much I hate myself right now I really wanted to try out and I still do! ARGHH! Stupid Caitlyn. My head is in the clouds these days. I wish Mr. Dixon would've said somethin about it tho. Maybe I'd have the music. Nothing else to write about. Excuse me while I bang a huge pointed rock on my head.

grr

2004-09-21T00:57:58Z

There isnt enough time in a day.

life

2004-09-14T23:27:41Z

today: ist period nothing happened in thT class. 2nd period Kevin signed my band hoodie lol. I signed his shirt. 3rd period nothing in class. lunch fun as always Kevin came to our table licking his ice cream. (he copied me i got ice cream too!!) 4th period got moved to other side of the class room. Kevin said one of his friends liked me and that I was too quiet. 5th period got to sit by a freak yay. 6th period played my stupid trombone and listen to mr dixon and watch him stop every 2 min and take points off our daily grade. freak. he makes me want to quit band. hate'm. went to mrs croziers class with caro and she took us to subway yum. did hw at caros house. played trombone at caros house. went home. found out my mom dont feel like goin to confrenses today. figures. oh well. oh yeah. inbetween classes talked to buddies. my days are weird. gotta go take a shower and blow drive my hair. and try not to eat so i will loose this fat hanging all over my body. im a fattie. try not to rub it in. ps i bet you have no clue who kevin is do you. oh and i have a secret.

See YA!

2004-09-03T00:46:59Z

Tomorrow Is OHIO! I can't wait. LOng ride listening to blink182 switchfoot and some other great stuff. I can't wait. I want to tell ya'll somethin so here it is. I don't have a REAL dad. I mean When I was a little baby my parents got divorced...I haven't seen my real father since. I wish I could just meet him to see what he's like. Just to see if he loves me. But I can't I have no clue where he is. No one does. It scares me. Then my mommy re-married only I don't think my step dad and mom love each other. It's so complicated. All they do is argue. I hate it I want to move away yet I don't. And there is NO ONE who knows how I feel. And guess what? My step dad isn't really my step dad. Wanna know why? Because he never officially adopted us. My sister and I actually have no dad. Bet ya didn't know that and I felt you should so I told you. And my "step dad" is never here. He's always at work. He never does anything with his "family". He just screams and gets his way. Yet in a way he loves me. I hope. Maybe. I don't know. THAT scares me. It's something I don't like to live with but I live with it every day. I guess you thought you had it bad. Try not having a dad. Ps. I know you guys have it bad I just am a little freaked is all. PSS Ill b back on tuesday from OHIO! ttygl

Today was cool...

2004-09-01T21:12:19Z

Today was pretty cool. In first period Lee acted like an idiot again as usual. I had hw but finished it in class. YAY! In second period a took the AR test for the outsiders and got 4/7 points boo! I have to have 25 points by the end of the 6 weeks and I only have for so far. Luckily I finished reading my other book today so I'll do that AR test tomorrow. Then I'm gonna read one of those harry potter books. They're worth a ton a points so that'll help me out lol. In third we wrote a dumb journaL. fun...not. Then we went to LUNCH!! YAY! I was hipper as usual and me and Christina wouldn't shut up and we threw food just like normal and talked to that little poroll oficer. LOL hes so gay. Then I went to wainrights class! AWESOME! I sit by two really hot guys! Al Kong and some really tall Zach person. 0o0o0 Its a dream come true lol. The cool thing is al talks to me alot and makes me laugh. I have fun in that class. And I don't get in trouble cuz mr wainright likes me. tee hee! Then I went on to ms fat ugly saggy boobs mrs penningtons class. Ugh. The only thing cool about that is that I see stephanie! YAY! We have become such great friends. Its totally awesometanious. Today in her class i was chewing on my pencil and this mat dude from across the room was staring at me so I smiled and waved like he was hot. lol even though he's not! hey look I rhymed! lol In band we did the same old same old and nothing new happened at all. I want to finish that story but Im having a mini writers block lol. I have nothing to say I think I screwed it up in the second page but all that counts is that I tried. well I guess I'll talk to you chicks later buh byeess!!

Unfortunatley I am single so if you like me speak up lol.

ps curtis b. thinks im a hottie and i think hes one too!! yay!

bguoir

2004-09-01T01:05:06Z

Guys Like That You're Fun

You're the type of girl guys brag about knowing

That's because you're cool, funny, and laid back

You're smart enough to know how to be one of the guys

But flirty enough to know how to make them all want you

What Do Guys Like About You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

To my other entries!

2004-09-01T00:33:52Z

Love that you loved it here's more:

2002

~Two Years Before the Accident~

CHAPTER ONE Pg. 2

We were on our way the hospital. My heart was racing. Is he OK? What is going to happen to him? My imagination was running wild just as usual. But somehow it was worse. My mom was crying her eyes out. I was mad at myself for not crying. Why didn't I feel the same way? Why did I not cry. The only thing I felt was a cold hard lump right in the middle of my throat. But no matter how much I wanted to I could't cry. We arrived at the hospital to find my father in the middle of a brain scan. I wanted to ask the nurse so many questions. I'm sure my mom did too. But we knew not to bother the nurse while he was busy. My father had had a severe memory disorder ever scince he was sixteen. He had gotten in a car with a drunk driver down a windy road. While in the car they had a terrible wreck. Lucky pa's still alive I said to myself. Ever since he has had memory block-outs and forgotten what he was doing or who people were. I'm guessing that's why we got the call to rush to the hospital as soon as possible. My father has been put through so many courses of mental training but so far nothing had worked. The next few days were the worst. Waiting to see my father. Wanting to know if he could remember his own little girl. At the age of eleven sure I had many questions. Don't we all?! The nurse came out of the brain room thingy. It'll be a miricale if I knew what it was called. "Mrs.Billybongiddy, your husband saw a dog being ran over by a car. Ever scince he has been in a comma. We don't know why seeing a dog die has made such an impact on him but it has. Fortunatley he is starting to recover. You may see him now."

What do you think?

2004-08-30T23:05:53Z

   The only thing I felt that evening was the cool breeze flowing with my hair. There was not single thought in mind. It was just me and Emma. On that long bay. Not worrying about the surgery. Not thinking about what could happen. Just enjoying the life that we had together. Doing what we had ever dreamed of doing.
   Back to the farm we raced with such passion. Knowing we would never have this chance again. There was nothing we could do to stop what was about to happen. BANG! That was the last thing I heard before I hit the ground with Emma still in my clutch.
   The first time I opened my eyes I had no clue where I was or what I was even doing. But in a few moments I had remembered what had happened. I passed out. Scared to know my scars scared to know what happened. Just went out cold.
    Then I woke again. This time I felt it. I felt my hip. It was in a horrible pain. Like I just got stabbed with a foot long knife. Then Steph came in. She looked at me in complete terror. I tried to speak but nothing came out. After my mouth moved her face turned white.
    I grabbed the note pad beside the hospital bed. Searching for the words that lingered on the tip of my tounge. What's the matter with me? I scribbled. Steph reached for the notepad and read hurridly. "You were shot in the side. As you fell you busted your lip and had seven stitches and have been asleep for two days." said Steph. I felt my lip. As I did I winced wioth pain. I managed to get out a few words from my mouth. Who shot me?
    Steph now looked at me with pain in her eyes. "Your mom should tell you,I'll go get her." I was confused. Why wouldn't she tell me? My mom rushed in and started stroking my hair. "WHO?" I said in a hoarse voice. "Your father..."

Umm boring...weird...confusing...WTC!!

2004-08-23T23:41:12Z

Hey ya'll. I'm confused I really thought I had it straightened out but guess not. He hates me I guess. Never talks to me anymore. Guess I don't mean anything to anyone. Just one of the little dusty things in the air outside that flys around. That's what I feel like anyway. I feel kinda miserable. Everything has gone wrong. Why did I do it? Why didn't I wait? It's all my fault! He doesn't know how I feel. But I'm too afraid to tell him. How embarrasing. I wish I had you back. To get my heart feeling right again. I wish I had you back. To be more than just my friend. I want us to do stuff together. Have fun. Make memories. But I guess it really is over. And it's all my fault. There's nothing I can do now. Today was OK. I had a lot of fun talking to muh friends. Especially Stephanie. She excites me so much! I feel like we're gonna be friends for a long long time. It doesn't happen very often that I get friends like her but I guess I got lucky and found her. lol. My throat hurts. It's been hurting ever since Jamie and Caroline left my house. Long time. And it won't get better!! Frustrating. The whole intire day I have been feeling like im dreaming. It totally sucks. And its kinda scary. OH YEAH!! I forgot. I was invited to the movies this weekend! I can't wait. Anyone who wants to go let me know please and I'll tell you the times as soon as I find out. Today in first period Lee turned around in his seat and said he loved me!?!?!?! WEIRD!! Ha ha. I was like okay...lol And dr summervile gave his speech today. boring. but it was really funny when he started raping! lol everyone was crakin up. So nothin special really just same old same old. Story of my life lol.

Im Sorry

2004-08-21T01:50:13Z

Im sorry I hurt you. Im sorry if I made you cry. I was confused I didnt know what to do. I thouvght I liked someone else. But I dont. I think...It isn't over yet...

Help God please!

2004-08-18T23:44:11Z

Things are pretty crazy right now. I'm really just tryin to figure out my place. I think I am surching to hard cause I can't find me. What am I doing? Do I really want this? Why do I always expect more? wHY am I lIKe this? What happened to me? Is my happiness gone? Will it come back? Where is my place? Where have I gone? God please will you help me? Help me to figure out this mess of questions? Be there for me? Lift me? Please carry me out of here God because it's obvious I'm lost. I cant relax. Tension is here. Where have I gone? Will you rescue me? I am not feeling that fire I feel when your around. What has happened? What am I doing? Will I get through this? Where do I fit in? Where God? WHere?

PS I love you God. I hope you will help me with this. You are the only one that can. I am counting on you.